Forgiveness

Forgiveness
for·give Show Spelled Pronunciation [fer-giv] Show IPA verb, -gave, -giv·en, -giv·ing.Use forgive in a Sentence–verb (used with object) 1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. 2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). 3. to grant pardon to (a person). 4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies. 5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

Forgiveness can be the easiest thing for some, and the hardest thing for others. I've had my fair share of problems with it, so I've decided to make myself the example of what NOT to do. Granting pardon to someone that has done you wrong is quite difficult for the human being. You feel better afterwards (eventually), but the process alone sometimes can be excruciating. For me, memories ruin my ability to rapidly forgive someone that has done wrong by me (or should I say, I allow my memories to ruin my ability.... no excuses today). Not intentionally though. In fact, I honestly believe I have forgiven someone, until that someone upsets me in such a way that I remember everything they've done to me before. I'm sure that happens to everyone...right? That's not forgiveness. I don't even know what that is. I believe I'm afraid to forgive sometimes because the situations that require serious forgiveness in my life aren't simple things like stepping on my toe or catching an attitude and an overly developed tone. No no no, THAT'S WAAAAAAY TO SIMPLE. These situations are extremely personal that had been going on for years, almost destroying my well being several times in the process, and it's just so hard to say, "I forgive you," and actually mean it. So then, Why am I afraid? Well, I'm afraid to forgive in certain cases because WHAT IF they didn't REALLY mean it when they apologized? Or WHAT IF they hurt me over and over again and I couldn't take it? And WHAT IF they never even bothered apologizing at all? WHAT IF they just expect me to forget "instantaneously?" I'm supposed to just forgive and forget just like that? EPIPHANY! Based off of several of my experiences in life I've been able to successfully draw what I believe to be an accurate conclusion: GETTING WRAPPED UP IN THE "WHAT IFS" IN LIFE ARE A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how much time I've let get away from me by holding on to things and carrying a heavy heart. But do you want to know the ONE question that still puzzles me(definitely going to tell you anyway)? How do I begin the process of FORGIVING MYSELF????? I hold so much inside of me that my mind becomes ill. I can't find my appetite, my slumber slips away, I'm always working to try and keep my mind off of the fact that....There's always something to remind me of what should have been, what others have done to me, what I allowed to happen to me, or what I've done to myself and the more I think about it I realize that....I'M ANGRY!..FURIOUS EVEN! MY TEMPER IS SHRINKING, I ALWAYS FEEL ALONE, I BURST INTO TEARS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WITHOUT WARNING, MY LIFE FEELS LIKE A REVOLVING DOOR THAT'S TOUGH TO CEASE THE SPINNING CYCLE, I CAN'T MOVE, I CAN'T THINK, I CAN'T BREATHE!!! So how do I forgive myself? I simply cannot move forward until I learn to forgive myself, retain the knowledge I've gained from my mistakes and short-comings, apply it to the present and continue to progress. I've got to start LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD, AND NOT THE REAR VIEW MIRROR because nothing good can come of ALWAYS DWELLING IN THE PAST. That there is EXACTLY what I'm doing. Anyone that has felt the same way I have or is going through somewhat of the same, I advise you to do the same.....Madam Premier.